Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
