I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So vagazzling was a success
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
