I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
