yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
