After last night, I could never be a politician.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
