just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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