Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I want to fling myself into the sun
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
