When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not