i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?