Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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