She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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