just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I cockslap morals
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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