So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
