Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
