Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
