areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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