That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
