Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
