i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
