why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
