seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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