i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
