see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
