Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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