Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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