i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
