Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
