he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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