your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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