Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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