Ambien. No doubt about it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
