I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
