I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
two words: eviction party
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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