Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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