I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit