yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
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You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful