you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
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I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
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No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?