i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS