totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
