i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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