When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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