I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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