So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
