Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
