When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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