Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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