Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
