Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
