she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
