you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
