Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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