so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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