You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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