Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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