took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
