she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
