I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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