I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
