Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
