I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
