Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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